Saints:

An Open Letter To NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

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March 21, 2012
Roger “Adolf” Goodell
Office of the Commissioner
345 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017

RE: SAINTS PUNISHMENT

Mein Fuhrer,

That is how you address a fascist dictator, hell bent on authoritarian rule, correct? My name is Jonathan Bell. I am a 30 year old season ticket holder of the New Orleans Saints. You remember them, I assume, as you just got finished raping them. As you may have guessed by this point, I am disappointed in your personal handling of the situation. Chiefly, the one year suspension of our head coach Sean Payton. My goal with this letter is to explain to you why I feel your level of severity, with regards to the punishments, was foolish, misguided, and small sighted (considering the surface area of that head of yours). I must say, your Napoleon complex is startling when one ponders the size of your melon-like head. I digress. You see, I’m just trying to let you get to know me; to see this from a fan’s perspective… It looks completely different if not seen through your own owl-like eyes. I am a fan. I work hard, I spend more than I need to on my season tickets, and I try to leave the stress at home, every other Sunday, when I go to the Superdome to cheer on my team. I don’t sit in the sky boxes, and have my assistant bring me my tea, while I stare lovingly at Bill Belichick from afar, from the comfort of my commissioner’s throne made of blood diamonds, and the pelts of 1000 baby seals. That’s right. We have not forgotten Spygate. Remember that? When your old buddy Bill, and your friend-with-benefits Tom, actually CHEATED. That slap on the wrist you gave them was so soft and flaccid, it belonged in your pants. I guess you were just saving it for us. People called you soft in high school, and shoved you into lockers, so now, 85 years later, you finally get a chance to show those bastards! You are the parking lot security guard of professional athletics. To be honest, I think you’re better suited to the W.N.B.A. I don’t know if their top job is open, but I do know your vagina would fit in better there. Or perhaps you could see about a lateral move over to the United States Table Tennis Association. There, you’d never be too far from a paddle… in case someone needed to be punished. I mean, if you are that into sadism, I could make some calls and find some underground clubs for you in New York City. You wouldn’t have to fly to Thailand every offseason anymore!

Look, I know you are under a lot of stress. You are facing hundreds of concussion lawsuits, and you needed a scapegoat, ASAP, to make an example of… to show you’re really being proactive. And you chose us. Thanks. I’m just saying you were a little heavy handed. You kind of seemed like a drunk frat boy his second week of college. Perhaps you are a drunken frat boy, but I can assure you, you are not in college anymore. For heaven’s sake, your hairline is receding faster than the British at the Battle of New Orleans. Its, okay, you can google that. I know the only historical text you’re familiar is Mein Kampf. Sorry, that’s just not my cup of tea. Besides, I thought you got a little self-indulgent in Chapter 4.
At the end of the day, you have crippled us. The fans get to pay for a product that is not what was promised to us. You get to keep our money, inflate our prices, and deliver a sub-par product for the next couple of years. That’s not good business, and I know you know business. The greed is thick in you. Be careful you don’t keep fiddling, Nero. I know that every year you want it to be Brady vs. Manning. I get it. You THINK that’s what people want to see. It’s not. That’s what YOU want to see. Plus, that’s so 5 years ago, man. Hang it up. You keep trying to make us watch the same movie, over and over again. You’re like the George Lukas of the NFL. Only difference being George Lukas fans know ahead of time they are being raped. You like to spring it on people. Why not be creative? Your daydreams about pillowfights with Ed Hochuli don’t have to be the only time you use a little creativity. Why not suspend Payton for 4 games, strip his salary for the entire year, and donate it to the NFL Play 60 campaign in New Orleans, or the Boys and Girls Clubs? That way, the fans get what they paid for, Sean gets punished 8 million times, and you still look like the big, mean, abusive stepfather. As I am sure you love hearing from all of the NFL’s fans, I encourage my fellow Who Dats to write you at the above address (Park Avenue, classy), or call you at 212-450-2000.

I’ll wrap it up (Great advice by the way). I don’t want to take away any more of your time from your Faces of Death DVDs, or your Son of Sam coffee table book. I know you need ample time to stroke your Tom Brady action figures, and prance in your Bill Belichick autographed thong. Just remember, the Who Dat Nation is proud, no matter how much genocide you attempt to bring upon us. We have risen before, and we will again.

Your voiceless peasant,

Jonathan Bell
Jonathan@NerdAristocracy.com

P.S. Next time, instead of worrying about defenders who want to tackle offensive players really hard, you could be more concerned with the number of attacks on opposing teams fans in many of your stadiums… or you could just keep fiddling.


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Ep35: Wax On

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Hemlock: the point-maker

Ryan pays for it and recounts former girlfriends, disparagingly young in this case. this leads into a chat about relationship age ranges.  Jonathan does not want to have sex with Ryan’s wife with his compliments of her comeliness, we talk dolling up for going out.  Speaking of snazzing out: Blue Light Special, fedoras on fire sale at a closing K-Mart near you!  Hats beget the need for what?  Hat racks, of course.  Jonathan schools Ryan on this thing called football and New Orleans Saints player Steve Gleason inspires us beyond ourselves.  The wisdom of the ages, put on your oxygen tank, because this session is about to get deep.

The new Modern Library addition about historical awesomeness of the Civil War, virtual monkeys are actually scripting Shakespeare in between flinging virtual poo. R.E.M. is breaking up (or would it be waking up, if your R.E.M. ceases?).  Hipster whose only creation is criticism, doubt, and neckbeards preemptively blame Lana Del Rey for selling out.  Neil Patrick Harris enjoys being a ‘sell out’, ‘whore’, and probably a couple of cool cars and a nice career he can be proud of.  Lessons of compromising your voice to tune into the ears of an audience.  Cajun Mikes featuring the most awesome sandwich board in New Orleans.  Happy B-Day, Jim Henson.

 

Join Team Gleason! Help the cause!
Gleason

 

 

Bumper Music: “The Man Who Played God” w/Suzanne Vega from the album Dark Night of the Soul by Danger Mouse & Sparklehorse.

Note: The Simpson’s episode Ryan referenced was “Last Exit To Springfield” from The Simpson’s Season 4. Available from Amazon.com below.

 

 

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

 


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Ep33:Lesbitarian Diet

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uh... yum?

Jonathan endorses Ford trucks, Edison shops CosCo, and Ryan shops the Lesbitarian isle of the grocery store.  Bananas Foster in Florida = sacrilege and just punishment.  Surprise: celebrity endorsed frozen foods suck more than varieties not spun off of a T.V. personality.  Gordon Ramsay’s dwarf porn double survives badger suicide attempt.

 

Winter is Coining ~ Game of Publications:  George R. R. Martin is the sole ruler to turn a profit from old-fashioned ‘books’ made from reformed, pulverized tree fibers.  Splitting digital and analog: Netflix spins off it’s more-analog DVD service into Qwikster.  J.D. Salinger’s nude cell phone pics!  Playstation has users agree to limit their legal options.  Nerding out on WoT and Saints.

 

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:


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Ep28: Love Thy Neighbor

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Whoo boy! Another site hack, aren’t we popular? Ryan catches us up with some neighborly love as Jonathan rekindles affection with the New Orleans Saints in their first pre-season game. Abercrombie & Fitch is unhappy about their current “Situation” of douchedom. Lebowski Fest comes, and the fans abide. Tithe the Crown! Click our Amazon link before you buy that thing you don’t really need, but oh-so deserve, and you shall strengthen the dominion of the Aristocracy! Ryan on Rango, gives way to talk about CGI kids flicks and dark films for kids of yore. Jonathan works over ‘The Help’ , and we deny the allegations that they are bringing to court. “Left here, you turn… mmyesss”: Garmin rolls out the force of assisted driving with Yoda and Darth Vader packs. A shot and a haircut: two fav’s at the R-Bar in New Orleans. “Can you spot me a BMW?”: this weeks coolest ‘solid’. Swarminoid and MABEL: meet your new overlords. Man, finches are so gay. Breaking news: Processed meats can be bad for you. Celebrity Tweet of the Week, This Week in Nerd History, nerding out on the iPad, rants about ebooks and cheaters of online Scrabble!


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Ep25: Dark Side of the Nerd

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You don't know the POWER of the Dark Side

In the Nerd boat, we sail… Ryan noms on some Dan Brown, JBell noms and refines on his comedy material. Watch out, contemporary furniture, you’re on Ryan’s shit list with your unnecessarily bloated ways. Jonathan has an invention to revolutionize residential surge protection. Amy Winehouse passes on from this mortal coil. ‘Kids, don’t do drugs like an idiot’ is the message we take away. Ryan flirts with dog bollocks. Tango down: Anonymous hacker Topiary nabbed in Scotland and other hacker bytes… Ryan explains DDoS attacks (Distributed Denial of Service) and the LOIC (Low Orbiting Ion Cannon). NFL (National Football League) / NFLPA (National Football League’s Players Association) lockout resolution; the Saints go marching in to practice! You can go marching into space starting November 30th; tickets to the international space station gives the average multimillionaire the chance to believe they can fly… and float. Is that aTrojan Asteroid in my Lagrangian point, or are you just happy to see me? New volcano type identified on the moon. Dark Side of OZ, how much drug intake makes this enjoyable and when idiots won’t shut up for a movie.

 

Salient developments of hacker-on-hacker Anonymous / LULZSEC / AntiSec news… LulzSec Exposed

LOIC – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The 2nd Annual Star Wars Dance Party, New Orleans | Events | Yelp

Outro music by Klipar (iTunes link)


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Ep23: Game of Hillbillies

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King Jim Baratheon

Hail Proletariat! Ryan catches up a death in his extended family and gives a soulless summary of it, the nefarious grip of smoking and the baseness of Grief Greed.  Updates on the Nerd Aristocracy videos; Fans’ Appeal to the NFL gets an ‘EPIC GAY’ comment on YouTube! from a trisomy 21 douche bag. This leads to a conversation about what compels someone to rail ‘Queer’, ‘Faggot’, etc. at someone else whom they perceive violating the norm usually in the area of costuming, exuberance or performance and that the origin of this type of outburst is usually from an inordinately ignorant hidden vagina of the heart weeping.  How an editor can make or break a piece of film.  Dead Before Their Prime Time: T.V. shows cut down too young… too young.  Apple hardware / operating system updates and the slaughter of the white MacBook and DVD drives on the Mac Mini.  Some fun with Apple’s EULA and Richard Dreyfuss’ lack of a demanding career curriculum.  Channel ‘Teen Nick’ to air ‘The 90’s are all that!': keeping it real with ‘Double Dare’, ‘Clarissa Explains it all’, ‘Doug’ and more.  Nerding out with Magic: the Gathering, Duels of the Planeswalkers on the PS3 and Game of Thrones blue balls.

 

Show link:

Mac OS X 10.7 Lion: the Ars Technica review


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Ep22: Crunk It Up

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Horrifying new cigarette labels

Horrifying new cigarette labels

We cordially welcome the Proletariat back from a break and talk about how the show is best consumed like a single malt whiskey and -by extension of that analogy- how Australians are apparent rampant drunkards.  We update on our first video post “Fans’ Appeal to the NFL” and give props to offensive tackle Jermon Bushrod and New Orleans blog Canal Street Chronicles for giving our video some shout-out love.

 

Jonathan’s art house porn experience, Harry Potter about to climax, Geekdom versus Nerdosity and how our creative endeavors stop people in their tracks (and sometimes careers).  Ryan helps his old man, talented Gulf Coast impressionist of fine art, Vernon Reinike; Jonathan helps himself to San Fermin in New Orleans and takes us with him on a picturesque recount of a day worth living complete with gator traffic, Friday night shootings, Krystal burgers and more.

 

Today’s intermission brought to you by Jelly Roll Morton and ‘Dead Man Blues, Take 1′ from the 1926-27 sessions of the Red Hot Peppers, as used in “Fan’s Appeal to the NFL”

 

Back for seconds as Ryan contributes his experience of last year’s San Fermin and how his wife ended up in Penthouse, thanks to the talented long lens of Andreas Koch (pronounced ‘kotch’, not ‘cock’, despite what marketing may lead you to believe.  The guys romance analog porn, gruesome cigarette images, how the liberal school system is socializing children into not flushing their poo, the supreme court ruling fatalities are artistic expressions and Jonathan’s haunted childhood with Hansel and Gretel.  Speaking of getting medieval: Ryan recommends Black Death, featuring Sean ‘Boromir’ Bean’ now on NetFlix instant streaming, as Jonathan experiences deprivation of Mr. Bean in the form of Game of Thrones.  How nerds are becoming relevant and a powerful class of people after years of oppression and persecution.  Trailer vs. Teaser.  J.K. Rowling initiates online perpetual jackpot for herself and descendants until the end of creation: ‘Pottermore’.  Finally Ryan nerds on Quantum Leap and how Scott Bakula helped raise him.

 


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